Frequently
Asked Questions

The Love Trials are a form of mediation governed by California law. Under California law, all conversations arising during the course of any mediation are strictly confidential and may not be used in any court, arbitration or any other proceeding. Cal. Evid. Code § 1119. (While there are technical limitations to that rule that arise in specific situations, those limitations generally don’t apply to The Love Trials.) These rules of confidentiality mean that neither participant can use anything said or disclosed during the course of a mediation as evidence in any future legal proceeding. That also means your partner cannot quote something you said in any future divorce proceeding or other court filing. If you are concerned about the nature and scope of mediation confidentiality, and in particular how it may impact your rights, we recommend you speak with a qualified attorney to address your concerns.

People often feel stuck or stymied when their partner refuses to participate in any process, whether it be therapy, counseling or even The Love Trials. It may feel as if you are carrying the burden yourself of working on the relationship. We take a different approach to the problem. First of all, we designed our process so the first two Stages can be done by one person alone. We can discuss how we adapt the Third Stage to best suit your specific needs and situation if your partner refuses to attend. Second, we are well aware of the many reasons why people refuse to participate. We will do our best to gain their cooperation. We have found that most people resist because they are fearful of something or another. Once we address their fears, their resistance usually melts away as well. If it is objectively true that your partner is unwilling to change or evolve, which is highly unlikely based upon our experiences, then divorce may be the only option. With some, it may take you finally walking out to jolt them back into reality and find the willingness to participate. And for others, you may realize that it was you who was hanging on to the relationship. They were simply waiting for you to acknowledge it is over. For these and many other reasons, we strongly encourage each person to pursue their individual path towards discovering what they want. If you have already tried therapy and counseling, the next step is reaching out and going through Stages One and Two. Many times, your participation will, by itself, awaken their curiosity about the process.

Before you say anything further to your partner about the dismal state of the relationship as you may perceive it, here are some important questions that we invite you to answer—by yourself and for yourself: Have you done everything you can to support and uphold the relationship? Have you taken responsibility for your contributions to the relationship problems? Have you done what you can to address the problems from your end? Have you given your partner a full and fair chance at showing up in the relationship? Might you be willing to accept your partner the way they are, if you could change the way you look at things? These questions are difficult to answer and require people to sit with themselves to reflect on their answers. We have found that while the problem may stem from the other person, the solution always comes from within. At the end of the day, all you can control is your own life, your choices and your reactions. That’s where it all starts.

There are many legitimate personal reasons why people resist therapy and counseling. Said differently, while they may benefit from therapy and counseling, people come to believe that their personal reasons outweigh any benefit that they may get from therapy or counseling. For example, the resistance people have with therapy and counseling is often rooted in the fear of being judged or blamed. Growing up and even as an adult, they may learnt that it was not safe to share what was happening inside. Indeed, the last thing they want is to subject themselves to the rigors of whatever “therapy” or “marriage counseling” means to them. It may also be the discomfort of talking about emotions and feelings that they tried to bury deep within themselves. People also fear being ambushed by the therapist or counselor, who might be secretly aligned with their partner. Trust becomes impossible when those fears dominate. In the event you have undergone therapy and tried counseling, we encourage you to reach out to us. We have sought to eliminate any of the fears or concerns people have about therapy and counseling. Our process at The Love Trials ensures that each person experiences a supportive environment where each person feels seen, heard and understood. In other words, each person gets to tell their side of the story without being told that they are wrong, bad or mistaken. Our coaches are experienced with listening carefully and going beyond the words to understand what someone may be trying to communicate. Regardless of the objections, we go to many lengths to make sure they feel safe and comfortable, including the willingness to have multiple conversations with them and doing whatever we can to address their concerns and fears.

The frequency of this question warrants a few different perspectives. First, we often get asked how we deal with narcissists and people with similar qualities. Simply put, we don’t. People having those sorts of behavioral disorders will often refuse to participate in our process. We outline our process in detail to make sure there are no surprises and everyone knows what to expect. People who avoid self-responsibility will usually steer clear of us. Second, we want to be crystal clear that in no way does it mean that a person who resists participating in our process is narcissistic or refusing to take self-responsibility. Many people are labeled as narcissists when, in reality, they are deeply fearful of some form of rejection or judgment. Their life experience may have taught them that it is not safe to share how they authentically feel with others. They may come to believe that no one really cares about them, especially what is going on within them. They may have given up all hope of being accepted, acknowledged, or understood, for who they actually are. Indeed, what may appear as narcissism may in truth be a defensive mechanism, a protective armor, they developed to deal with the world. And third, we do our very best to create a safe, supportive and confidential environment for each person to be able to tell their side of the story to people who are trained to listen and ask powerful questions designed to help each develop newfound insights about themselves. Each person gets to set the pace of the exploration. Some people need more time to reflect than others. Our process can be customized to accommodate anyone and everyone who is willing to participate.

One of the many challenges a spouse may face in trying to resolve relationship problems is their partner’s ability to lie and manipulate others. It is incredibly difficult to prove the truth about what happened in personal relationships because, in most instances, it becomes a matter of “he said versus she said.” And people who have spent decades lying are often quite convincing. Our process was designed to eliminate that concern as much as possible. First, no one will be deciding who is right and who is wrong. That eliminates one of the key incentives that people have to telling a lie or manipulating the truth. Second, our process does not seek to pass judgment on who did what to whom. What happened merely provides a backdrop to help us collectively investigate what each of you experienced. Third, the only lies that concern us are the lies that people tell themselves about what they actually want. Our extensive fact-finding process ensures that we know and understand each person to help them honor their true desires.

You will never be cross-examined in the way a lawyer does so in a court of law. Guaranteed. We can provide this assurance because The Love Trials fundamentally differ from a court of law. In a court, each side is trying to present only that much information to persuade the judge or the jury to decide in their favor. Share too much and you may defeat your own case. In cross-examination, each question is carefully crafted, knowing what the answer must be before the witness is asked. At The Love Trials, we want to discover each of your truths, together, as you both evaluate the outcome of your relationship that best aligns with each of you. While it may seem difficult to utter the truth because it can hurt other people’s feelings, you will soon realize that you are helping both of you when you share your unvarnished truths. RoSho will be asking you questions with the singular goal of helping you get past the lies you may have been telling yourself all your life and to uncover the truths hiding deep within you that have been longing to be found. Each question is meant to help you see yourself from a more wholesome point of view. We seek to build up each person, not tear them down in the way lawyers do in trial.

The Love Trials are nothing like the judicial trials you have seen on movies, television or even in real life. There is no judge. There is no jury. And there are no lawyers! More importantly, the only winner in The Love Trials is truth. While that may sound simple enough, that distinction has significant implications. First, the intellectual distinctions: Judges must be impartial to both sides. We do not sit in judgment. The Love Trials is a mediation, where we aim to create a fair and impartial space where both people get to share their full story. Because blame has no relevance to our process, lying has no benefit, either. And lastly, unlike a trial, which is public, everything done in the mediation is protected with high levels of confidentiality under the law. Cal. Evid. Code § 1119. And then, the emotional distinctions: We focus on what actually happened, instead of who caused it. That eliminates the shame and guilt that people often carry for their actions, as well as the judgment and anger they may carry about their partner’s actions. We help you find the words that resonate within you when you cannot find them yourself. We gain that insight through our first two Stages, where we invest many hours in understanding each of your perspectives and personal experiences. You will NEVER feel alone or cornered. We are here to support each of you through the journey of The Love Trials. And finally, you don’t need to worry about how well you can express yourself and explain what happened. Our skilled team is able to see beyond the words to gain the deeper insights necessary to support you.

Love is fundamentally unpredictable. As a result, it is impossible to predict the outcome. Furthermore, we are outcome neutral, which means that we are not vested in any particular outcome. Sometimes people decide to separate. Other times couples realize how far they drifted from one another and how much they still love each other. The foundation of our program is helping you be honest with yourself about what is right for you. Only then can you make a decision that you will be grateful for and will never regret.